Guess what your girlfriend's giving you for your birthday?
Something old, something new.Something borrowed, something that shows off the crazy-bitch-that-i-can't-believe-i-fucking-married-i-wonder-how-much-it's-going-to-cost-me-to-get-out-of-this-i-should-have-signed-a-pre-nup in you!
"Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy [of] her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML"
“Dear Irving Oil, I am writing to apply for a job with your company, and I have included my resume for your review.You will find that every reference and each previous job will check out as valid, but I think that it’s important to be honest: my assigned mission is to take you down, from the inside.”
Nothing says "I think we should start seeing other people and by 'we' i mean me and by 'other people' i mean that hot redhead who just moved into 2C" like a bouquet of recycled elephant shit.
12 Unspoken Rules for Urinal Etiquette
1. No Talking
2. Always leave a buffer urinal
3. Look straight Ahead!
4. Posture & Position Is Very Important
5. Don’t Waste Time
6. Never Make Direct Eye Contact
7. Making Sounds Is NEVER Acceptable
8. Everybody Farts, Nobody Acknowledges Farts
9. Flush It. Only If You’re Brave
10. Shake it, Don’t Spray It
11. No Cell-Phones Allowed!
12. Leave Your Beer Behind
with the notoriety of women and bathrooms, you can clearly see the problem here.
Step 1: Grow hair out until just past shoulders.
Step 2: Dye hair dirty blonde.
Step 3: Pull hair back into pony tail making sure to leave a few strands out in front.
Step 4: Hang out in Ivy League college bars.
Step 5: Try to embarass Ben Affleck when he hits on Minnie Driver and uncredited blonde friend.
Step 6: Tuck and cluck when Matt Damon steps up and destroys you with his Super Brain Death Ray.
According to J. Miller of H.U.M.A.N.S. so far only celebrities are robots, but their numbers are expected to climb since the introduction of YouTube, disposable digital cameras, Coachella bike generator cell phone chargers, and blogging websites.